


It's Dark Inside, it's Where my Demons hide....

by Highkingeliot



Category: The Magicians (TV), The Magicians - Lev Grossman
Genre: Cutting, Depression, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 20:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13725810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Highkingeliot/pseuds/Highkingeliot
Summary: Eliot ends up battling himself when he discovers he is now in possession of the latest key from the quest.





	It's Dark Inside, it's Where my Demons hide....

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING!!!
> 
> This fic much like the latest episode can be triggering to some readers. It deals with dark inner conflict, depression and suicide attempts. 
> 
> I will warn you it was hard to write and writing it did cause pain but it helped me get over stuff. I will not spoil the end but I will promise it ends well. (I know sometimes knowing it ends ok will help).

Eliot rolled over to find he was once again alone. Empty bed with just pillows. 

“Not even a cat or anything.” He sighed and debated just going back to sleep. 

“Good morning you shit.” He heard from behind him. 

“What the?”  
“Hi. About time you got your ass up. Which could use some work by the way.”

“What?”

“Your ass, saggy, pale and far from perfection.”

Eliot looked over to see a mirror image of himself. Dressed in all black very brooding. 

“Come on cinder-fella time to get up and greet the world.” He snarked. 

“Look, I don’t know what the hell this is but shut up!”

“Oh, I’m sorry where are my manners? Perhaps you’d prefer this version of me?” He snapped his fingers and was instantly transformed into wearing a plaid button-up shirt with overalls, sleeved rolled half way up just below the elbow and a bandana tied around his head. 

“Fuck! NO!”

“Look queen you don’t get to pick, it’s me and I happen to like this look. Oh and guess what, I can have your accent back like that!” He slowly started sounding more and more Midwestern as he talked. 

The sight and sound of this terrible imposter of Eliot was making him physically sick. 

“You know, no one believes this new version of you. It’s all a lie and you’ll never be more than a farm boy faggot from Indiana!”

“Shut up! I’m so much more than that! I’m fucking king a magician!!”

“OOOO a magician without magic!! A king with a land in ruin!! You fucking suck farm boy!!” 

“NO!! You’re just an illusion!!!” 

“You’ll die and no one will miss you! Just go find a cliff… or better yet, you’re precious castle window here. The liar king jumps to his death.”

“What the hell is this!!”

Eliot looked around the room. No signs of enchantments. Nothing. He felt something weighing around his neck. It was a key. He looked over on the bed and saw a note. 

El,

I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. I know you’re much stronger than me so maybe you can handle this better than I could.   
I’m leaving this with you. It does terrible things. There’s another you and they’re mean. Like really mean. Poppy has been put in the prisons as you asked but I did all I could. I have no one to help me control this and you’re so strong and you have so much confidence that maybe it won’t break you like it broke me. 

I’m sorry,  
Q

His writing was so eloquent but yet seemed hurried. 

Eliot walked down the hall to try to find him. He looked down one corridor and nothing. He ran over to the throne room, still nothing. He heard crying coming from the other room. 

He ran in to find Quentin on the floor crying. 

“Quentin?”

“I’m sorry.” He cried. 

Eliot noticed Quentin was holding his wrist. He looked around and saw a puddle of blood next to Quentin.

“What the hell did you do?”

“I couldn’t ….” He cried. 

Eliot picked him up and washed him off. He reached over and grabbed a towel and tied it around Quentin’s wrist. He led him to the healers of the castle. 

“Look I know we don’t have magic but fix him. Please.” Eliot left Quentin with the healers to be bandaged up. 

“You know he’ll probably die. He thinks you’re a loser that’s why he gave you the key. He wants you gone.” 

“No he doesn’t his letter said so.”

“He’s done with you and your shit. He doesn’t love you.” 

This last line caused Eliot to stop in his tracks. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. 

“That’s it, you love him don’t you faggot? Well he doesn’t love you. He loved Ariel and Alice and even Julia. He’ll never love the loser farm boy from Indiana!!”

“Shut UP!!!” Eliot felt himself losing it. This thing really knew how to get to him. He started to cry as he ran down the hall. 

“You can’t out run me.” He called as the ghost appeared in front of Eliot as soon as he closed his bedroom door. 

“You aren’t real!”

“Oh sweetie, I’m as real as you are!! I am you!”

“NO!!” He cried as he slumped to the floor.

“You can’t escape me.” He taunted as he stayed close to Eliot.

“Fuck you!!” Eliot screamed as he threw his crown across the room.

“Oh good the uncrowning of the liar king!!”

“Shut up.”

“You want me to shut up you know what to do!”

“NO!”

“You killed a man, you lied. All your friends only like you cause you lied. They don’t know the real version of you and if they did they would leave!! They hate you and they’ll never like you and Quentin will never love you like you want you queer so just get over it!!”

“Shut up!!” He cried as he was now crying so hard he could barely breathe and it felt like he was going to be sick.

“Just fucking die already!!!”

Eliot looked around the room for something he could use. Perhaps a bit of pain would bring him back to reality. He found a letter opener and took it to his wrist. He pushed until he drew blood. 

“Good. Keep going. Quentin will never love you. That other life was a lie. That kid was never yours. When you died he took all the credit. He handed the key over to Jane and left you there.” 

“NO!” Eliot cried cutting deeper.   
“He will NEVER love you!!” 

Eliot was out of words and looked at the letter opener covered in blood and saw his reflection crying. He looked over and saw his crown on the floor missing one of it’s prized stones. 

“You failed farm boy!!”

Eliot took the small knife and pressed it to his throat. 

“He’ll never love you!!!” 

Eliot pressed harder. He could feel it getting harder to breathe. 

“He will NEVER LOVE YOU!!!”

Eliot gasped for air before falling to the floor.

“Eliot!!! NO!!!” 

Quentin ran in and took his best friend into his arms. 

“Eliot!!” 

Quentin looked down and ripped the key off the chain around Eliot’s neck and threw it across the room. He managed not to actually touch it due to the bandages on his hand. 

“Eliot please wake up.” 

Eliot’s eyes fluttered as he looked up at Quentin. 

“Eliot.” 

Tears fell from Quentin’s eyes and hit the cuts on Eliot’s neck. Eliot could feel the sting when they hit. 

“Ow.” He said his voice coarse. 

“Eliot!!” Quentin hugged him harder. He saw the blood on his wrists and quickly wrapped them with a scarf he found on Eliot’s floor. 

Quentin gently wiped the blood off of Eliot’s neck. Luckily the wounds weren’t too deep. 

“I thought I lost you.” Quentin said while a few more tears fell from his eyes.   
“You were worried about me?”

“I heard you yelling and I was terrified.” 

“It’s fine.” Eliot tried to brush the whole ordeal off with the ghosts words still ringing in his head. ‘He will never love you.’ Eliot felt tears welling up in his eyes as he looked away from Quentin. 

“I love you.” Quentin whispered. 

Eliot looked up at him like he had just spoken the life back into him. He felt tears rolling down his face. 

“What?”

“Eliot, we spent a whole lifetime together and I loved you then and I love you now. I can’t lose you. I need you.” 

Quentin hugged him tighter. 

“I love you too.” Eliot said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and I'd like to end with you are not alone. so many of us battle our inner demons but you don't have to take this quest alone. Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Talk to someone. Please. This world is a better place with you in it. You are loved and you are needed!!
> 
> I adore you all you magical creatures!!


End file.
